If Voldemort Were Called Bob

Who could forget the most iconic scene in The Social Network (2010):

Pop culture gets it. At least Aaron Sorkin does.

If you can’t name it right, you can’t sell it.

Comedian Andrew Schultz recently grilled Democrat politician Pete Buttigieg:

Pete’s response? Nothing. He didn’t have an answer. Democrats are still realizing that if you can’t name your idea, your idea won’t win.

This is all about stickiness.

A good joke lands like how a plane lands cargo — the cargo doesn’t land itself; it’s the plane.

This matters more than ever in our attention-warfare economy, because the issue isn't really people's attention spans. It's the options our attention has.

Important ideas die quiet deaths when they're dressed in boring clothes.

Why? As Paul Skallas shares, “elephants follow relatives by smell across hundreds of miles of savannah. Sharks map electric currents. Birds read ultraviolet patterns. Sea turtles steer by Earth’s magnetic field.” And humans are predominantly visual, so people do judge a book by its cover.

Here are ideas that desperately need phoenix-style rebirths through better branding, and some whose branding power far exceeds their actual substance.

Terminally Boring: Dying from Bad Branding

Tariffs → they’re back in a big (bad) way. But the word “tariff” sounds like a Medieval fee, so your average plebe doesn’t know how to feel about them. Call them what they are! Import taxes. Especially in how they’re being used currently — sloppily organized, indiscriminate (even on our democratic allies), and on tons of basic consumer goods that aren’t strategic to protect. It’s just chaos and destruction — there’s no master plan. Import taxes should be treated like Voldemort: so terrifying you don’t have the guts to say the name.

Habeas Corpus → Sounds more like Latin homework than due process, which is the foundational right protecting you from unchecked state power, like government abduction. So it should be more like The Right Not to Disappear. 

Given current events of this administration deporting legal residents, historian Kamil Galeev argues that when we allow two justice systems — one with due process for citizens and one extrajudicial for everyone else — the extrajudicial one slowly expands. This is not good. It’s faster, easier, and more convenient for those in power to weaponize. Eventually, it starts swallowing the slower, more principled one. So “habeas corpus” isn’t some lame, Latin macho phrase. But you'd never know it from the branding.

Therapy → how about Emotional Intelligence Training. All it is is identifying your subconscious behaviors, like peeling back an onion.

“Therapy” still carries some stigma, despite BetterHelp’s ads plastering every digital space. Yes, psychopaths do weaponize therapy language. Yes, the manosphere may tell you to go pound sand instead. But I’d argue therapy can be very great — the goal is to improve your life (and consequently your loved ones’) by understanding yourself better. This kind of work has been around for thousands of years, but we’ve just called it different things — people would go talk to the elders, the local shaman, etc. Interpersonal relationships are everything, so who wouldn’t want to understand yourself better, so you can love yourself and others better?

Passive investing → the lamest name for the most powerful wealth builder in human history. Vanguard and BlackRock created financial engines that transform regular contributions into retirement fortunes, and they branded it as "passive.” Ew.

I'm clearly not the marketing genius around here but this should have a way cooler name. In fact, you know what should be called “the American Dream”? Owning a slice of 500 of the most successful companies and letting compound interest work while you sleep. But more on this later..

Names like "Compounding Freedom" or "Wealth Autopilot" still don't capture how utterly revolutionary low-cost, passive investing is for middle-class prosperity.

Instead, we gave that title to... buying a house. And mowing a lawn. Duh, passive investing isn’t the only way, and buying a house or rental property could work, but I think there’s way too much focus and social pressure on buying a house. Just check out this example from the founder of AppSumo.

National Defense (U.S.) → Want global trade, safe travel, and a working internet?

Then you want a powerful U.S. military. At this moment, if America stops showing up, and other democratic allies don’t step up, global free trade collapses like the Roman Empire. National defense isn’t a hawkish talking point; it’s insurance for the system we all live in.

As Naval War College professor Dr. Sarah Paine explains, the U.S. Navy doesn't just protect America; it ensures that goods can travel from factories in Asia to ports in Europe without being hijacked, blocked, or taxed by regional powers or militias (cough cough China). The trillions in global commerce that flow through sea lanes exist because someone (US!) guarantees their safety.

So we should really call it global prosperity insurance, considering it’s one of the most important things that allows international trade systems to function. No U.S. patrols, bases, and power, no free trade.

Air quality → My girlfriend thinks this is already good enough, but I don’t. “PM2.5” sounds like printer toner, but air pollution contributes to 1 in 10 deaths around the world, outdoor AND indoor. Maybe if we called it something like Lung Toxicity Levels, or Breathing Safety Index, governments would take more action.

Airports → Every international tourist’s first impression of your country is your airport. We should invest as much care and effort into them, like they were Renaissance cathedrals. When you arrive, it should feel like you’re experiencing a welcome ceremony.

Your first interaction with a country (the airport) creates a powerful initial impression (known as ‘primacy effect’) that colors your perception of the entire visit! Similarly, your last experience (departing from the airport) in the country also leaves a lasting _{no pun intended} impression (a thing called ‘recency effect’).

International airports should be so good that you get excited if your flight gets cancelled.

As George Mack put it, “The former leader of Singapore, Lee-Kuan Yew, used to obsess over the first 1h arriving at the airport and entering the city.

Why don't more countries do this? It's the user onboarding for potential talented immigrants.”

Linguistic Catfishing

On the flip side, some ideas have branding that goes way too hard for their own merit.

The American Dream → Owning a house is fine. But we've turned it into a near-religious calling. A slogan that sold 30-year mortgages and yard work as a vehicle for generational wealth. But these days, median prices are unhinged. Maintenance is constant. For many (not all — chill!!), it's an over-leveraged, underperforming asset. 

The phrase "American Dream" deployed against investment alternatives is perhaps the most successful marketing campaign _{(or psyop, as the kids say)} in modern U.S. history. It transformed a 30-year debt obligation into a patriotic duty and status symbol, despite the fact that in many markets, renting and investing the difference into a Vanguard fund would create more wealth.

This American Dream-branding of buying a home is so engrained in our culture, though, that suggesting not buying a home is like insulting someone’s grandma.

It’s just the power of branding. Not accuracy.

The Military-Industrial Complex → Sounds fake. Because it is. Like a Bond villain's LinkedIn title. Sure, defense companies have an incentive to up-charge the government (long story), but they don’t run the government by any means.

If they did, these things would NOT have happened:

• Defense spending fell: as a percentage of U.S. GDP it’s dropped massively since the Cold War, from ~10% in 1961 to just ~3.4% today.

• BRAC: The real conspiracy is what happened in 1993, after the Soviet Union fell. A secretive meeting dubbed “The Last Supper” brought top defense firms to the Pentagon to deliver a message: it’s time to reel it back. With the decline in demand, a wave of mega-mergers followed. This meant fewer players, tighter margins, and more oversight, not unchecked sprawling tentacles. The number of U.S. Navy ships, fighter squadrons and Army divisions? All cut down.

In reality, building and selling weapons is hard and miserable.

If this complex were so true, you would've seen these companies grow like crazy over the years.

But you don't.

Instead, all five of America's top defense contractors (combined) make less profit than Procter & Gamble, the company behind Swiffer mops and Crest toothpaste.

The worst of all: it’s a useful lie for our enemies. When Russia invades Ukraine, or China builds bases in the South China Sea, critics say, “See? That’s just the military-industrial complex pushing war.”

It’s a convenient narrative that paralyzes democratic deterrence and benefits dictators.

Swiffer mops are more lucrative than missiles, but “military-industrial complex” just rolls off the tongue so easily.

Thanks for taking the Pack,

Zach

Refer one friend and get access to a list of other things that could use rebranding — for better or for worse.

_{The vibe-killer disclaimer: The opinions in this post and all other posts only represent myself and do not represent the opinions of my employer or any groups I am a member of.
This is not financial advice or recommendation for any investment. The Content is for informational purposes only, you should not construe any such information or other material as legal, tax, investment, financial, or other advice.}

Disclaimer: This is not financial advice or recommendation for any investment. The Content is for informational purposes only, you should not construe any such information or other material as legal, tax, investment, financial, or other advice.